By Heather Widmer-Lovesey, LMHC
As Mother’s Day approaches, a number of stepmoms I know or work with are filled with flashes of emotion and insecure thoughts. It’s just one more day and one more year in which thoughts like these arise in their minds:
“I’m not seen.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m not their Mom.”
Mother’s Day isn’t the only day that leaves stepmoms feeling unimportant. Every day they’re left struggling to know their place and importance within their families and homes takes its toll. What I want you to know, despite anything else that happens on this day, is that you matter.
This is true whether or not your partner understands what you need and how to support you, whether you’re made to feel unwanted or “less than” by your stepkids’ Mom and whether your stepkids have embraced you or fail to see how hard you try and that you show up for them.
You Fill a Difficult Role
I’m convinced that the role of stepmother is one of the most difficult to ever exist and that it continues to be met with massive amounts of disrespect. I know a lot of us who enter into this role not knowing what to expect, especially if we started off as single, independent women with no kids of our own only to enter into families where we now worry about kids who aren’t ours.
We all feel the weight of our partners’ problems, contribute financially and/or emotionally to managing the kids’ visits and deal with some form of drama involving the ex-partner if not a whole heap of drama that never seems to end. Once you join a stepfamily system, your needs and time are no longer your own. It feels like that anyway, unless you choose to disengage.
Unlike parents who choose to have children, make their own conscious decisions about it and tend to understand what sorts of sacrifices on their needs and time they’re about to make, a stepmom’s choice looks much different. You’ve chosen to take on a life much different from what you’re used to and much different from what you probably once imagined.
You’ve chosen to nurture and build relationships with children who aren’t yours. You’ve chosen to try to like or love them from the ground up without any prior bonds to cement you. You’ve chosen to stick by your partner’s side and support them though their past plays an active role in your present life together. Even if others don’t acknowledge your choices, stepmom, I see you.
You’re an Amazing Person
Developing a healthy couple’s relationship or marriage is hard enough on its own. Now throw in the fact that you’ve entered into an already developed (however fractured) family system. You’ve done this while still making time for your partnership and that’s, of course, difficult to do when there are children who need attending to and coparenting hiccups to deal with.
It’s OK to feel the weight of that at times. It’s healthy to acknowledge your reality. What an amazing person you are to understand that moving forward it would never just be you and your partner who need taking care of. The selflessness you show is admirable. But I know it can also be tiring. And I know it’s painful to be unseen, unheard and misunderstood.
What’s worse is finding out that the other home tells your stepkids not to love you; not to give up space to you in their hearts and lives. My advice for handling tough dynamics as a stepmom and together as a stepcouple includes allowing yourselves to admit that there have been lies told, false accusations made and walls built to keep you at arm’s length from your stepchildren.
With that knowledge, though I know it must make one or both of you feel powerless sometimes, make a commitment to take care of yourselves and each other in these particular moments and in all the moments in between. Remember who you are inside, set helpful boundaries, communicate them clearly to all those concerned and take time for yourself separate from family time.
Conclusion
Stepmoms, let this Mother’s Day—and every other day of the year—be one you never forget. Know you’re appreciated even if no one else says so, because you are. Know you’re important and you matter, even if you don’t get to see the kids. Know that the role you play is priceless and valuable, even when you don’t always know where “your place” in the family truly is.
The role you’ve taken on may be best understood and appreciated by you, your partner and the larger community of stepmoms you now belong to. When you feel like you deserve more love or hugs or recognition, remind yourself that it’s not the reason you bestow your many priceless gifts on your stepfamily household. You do what you do because you’re amazing. Never forget it!
HEATHER WIDMER-LOVESEY, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor with a passion for helping others through Christian Counseling of (South) Tampa. Living in Florida, she and her husband have been married since 2022. Heather enjoys supporting her two stepsons’ extracurricular activities. She also likes to travel, hike, attend music and arts events, spend time with her husband (and her dog!) and be with friends. Online @heatherthetherapist.