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“My child doesn’t know how to control his anger.”
“I feel terrible that I lost my patience with my little girl.”
“I regret how I reacted during a conflict with my husband.”
I often hear common concerns such as these when working with families. Whether from our crying baby or disrespectful teenager to high levels of work stress or relational conflict, we can all relate to moments when our emotions seem to control us.
Communication. It’s something we all have to do, daily, if not constantly, with our bosses, spouses, family, friends, children and even strangers. For some, it seems to come so easy, confidently expressing thoughts themselves. While for others, it is a major struggle to get across the simplest of requests without feeling uncomfortable.
For those of you who do not remember the game of Pac man I will excuse your youth and give a brief explanation. The goal of the game is to chomp your way to the end of the maze consuming dots along the way while avoiding “ghosts” to reach the finish. It was a very popular game in the 1980’s. The ironic thing about the game was that as you went through the game successfully and chomped, chomped your way to the finish, the Pac man icon would never be completely full. So you would move onto the next screen and start over again. (To be gender neutral there was a Ms. Pac man game who suffered the same eventual incomplete fate).
This is the age old question. How do I determine what God’s will is? Without hearing God in an audible voice or having him show up in the flesh, is there a way to know what direction He would have for me in a situation, circumstance or major decision in my life? In fact, if one claims to hear an audible voice or see Him in the flesh, then definitely would be calling our office anyway! So how does one go about discerning this?
I’ve heard addiction over the years described by family members as: terrifying, heartbreaking, powerful, scary, painful and powerless (just to name a few). When a loved one sees their abuser struggling and slowly losing parts of themselves, naturally there is an overwhelming feeling, and an almost “need” to want to help. Often times, that help quickly loses its boundaries and becomes enabling and/or control. I don’t think most people sit back and prepare for the possibility that their child or the person they marry may have addiction issues, therefore when it comes time to knowing what to do, many are at a loss.
There are an increasing number of families being torn apart by addiction. Family members feel helpless and overwhelmed, not knowing what they can do to help their loved one. Family members all too often find themselves on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. They live a life walking on eggshells in fear of triggering anger or losing control. Sometimes it seems easier to give into the torment, intimidation, and exhaustion. By doing so, you’re feeding the addiction and reinforce feelings of guilt, self-blame and frustration.
My dad was a jeweler and owned his own store. This came in handy when my husband was picking out a ring in order to propose. It was beautiful! I felt like the luckiest girl with it on my finger. As we approached our 20 year mark of marriage, however, the 1980’s setting was well-past due for an “upgrade.” So, again, we sent it back to my dad to work his magic. Shortly after, my dad informed us that the center stone was cracked and it would be risky to reset it. What? I thought diamonds were the hardest rock there was. Was I that hard on it? Was it flawed from the beginning? We had a decision to make.
A challenge to live life fully present!
How often do we focus our attention and energy on everything that is negative in our lives? We worry and compare ourselves to others who seem to have it all figured out. We long to feel good about our lives, to be fulfilled and find peace, but most often, we come up short. For me, I have become the expert on the “shoulds” in my life, reminding myself in every moment what I should or should not be doing on my internal, endless to do list. Instead of enjoying what should be the happy moments in my day, I focus on disappointment that things did not go the way I had hoped. Why do we choose worry so often? Are we afraid that if we give up our internal standards or worries about the future that we will somehow succumb to our greatest fears and lose any motivation to grow or move forward? Do we fear losing who we hope to become if we accept who we are or who others are in the moment? Even accepting this moment, that might feel broken and overwhelming?
Working in private practice in counseling for well over twenty years, I’ve seensome of the more frustrating times in couples counseling. Research has revealed that a typical couple waits approximately four years to come into counseling, despite experiencing the need earlier. Many times, by the time the couple appears in the counselor’s office, one or both of the partners have already reached a level of indifference or lack of desire to work on their relationship. This is the most challenging and scary place for couples to find themselves. By this point, their primary motive in attending counseling sometimes is checking this off their list, indicating that they tried everything, before heading to a divorce attorney.
“Ugh… You’re supposed to look less bloated in the morning, why does my stomach look so big this morning? I knew I shouldn’t have had that snack so late last night… why can’t I just have more self-control… I wonder if it’ll help if I do some crunches and push-ups before leaving” VS “Yes! I look and feel so skinny this morning… I can see my collarbones, my hip bones are starting to come back, there’s even toning in my stomach!”
Mornings were my favorite time of the day. I’m a morning person, the mirror always appeared kinder to me in the morning. I’d made a habit of standing in front of the mirror, infatuated with staring at every part of my body. There were days my face looked less swollen, my stomach less bloated, and my arms jiggled less, even my chest looked thinner.
