Grief: something I wish no one ever had to deal with.  At the age of 29, I never thought I would have lost two very important people in my life. I look back at how I grieved the loss of my grandmother and now my uncle and at times I would find myself frustrated and angry with God. Frustrated of the unknown. The tests that did not get to happen, the unanswered lab results, and the other unknown questions. Although I know they are both with my heavenly father, I was frustrated that I did not spend as much time with them, that I worked more than taking the time off to visit them. I was angry that I had to live through holidays and big events without them cheering me on or walking through the difficult parts of life with me.

“Somedays, you feel so unloved by the people who are supposed to love you. And your heart hurts. And you feel empty. Like you’re in a wasteland with no life. Right now, it seems that this has been a very lifeless season. People who are supposed to bring joy to your life now bring thoughts of dread as you think of the life being sucked out of you. They never ask if you’re okay. And I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

These are words I wrote down about a year ago. Words that I felt so deeply to my core.

In recent discussion I shared with a friend how, in the last year or two, I’ve encountered more and more clients who cannot answer the questions “who are you?”  and “in what do you find your value and worth?” I’ve come to realize that a history of rejection is linked and found in each individual’s past.

God never intended us to feel rejection, however rejection is truly a perfect tool that the enemy uses to cause us to not only question our identity, but to steer us away from our identity in Christ. God desires for us to know who we truly are and for us to know His love and acceptance for us. If we are not rooted in love, as God has intended, how can we truly experience all that Christ has in store for us?

Something that has been on my mind as of late is the subject of down time. I’m one of those people that tends to jam pack my schedule and try to maximize time, all the time. It makes life fun and busy but also overwhelming at times. Earlier this week, I had an unusual break during the middle of the week. Part of me thought hmm this is a great opportunity to catch up on paperwork or get some good exercise in. But then the other part of me saw the old, spotted bananas on the counter and thought they would be perfect for some banana bread. I decided to whip up some banana bread with my old bananas but then later questioned myself if that was my best decision.

For years I worked with married couples in my practice resulting in personal frustration. They wouldn’t stay for the course and quit before the momentum finally offered them relief, they got better only to see them boomerang back in six months, or there was just too much pain to commit to the process without ensuring a proper payoff. I even considered stopping working with married couples altogether.

As a believer in Christ, I am always pleased when empirical scientific research validates the Christian worldview.  “Empirical” is one of those research words meaning something has been verified or observed.  For this blog we are going to look at the act of forgiveness, particularly, what forgiveness entails, research that was conducted on the subject, and how forgiveness can restore relationships. 

What comes to mind when I mention the words “premarital counseling”? To some, these words may trigger feelings of excitement to grow. For some, feelings of fear and not wanting to confront, and to others, possibly an assumption that something must be wrong with the relationship. These may happen and can be realities, but premarital counseling is not only necessary if you are unsure of marriage but also if you are looking to strengthen your future marriage.

Sometimes a few sessions into therapy, clients will ask questions like, “Will I always feel this way?” “How long until therapy feels like it is really working?” or “Why isn’t my husband or wife getting it yet?” Basically they are soliciting the question, “Is there anyway to make this go faster?” My response is usually something along the lines of, "well yeah, if I had the magic solution, I’d be living on a yacht right now making billions." However, in the instant gratification culture we live in today, it’s not surprising that our clients desire some quick, easy fix.

Have you ever been in a situation that left you feeling like you did something wrong or that nothing you do is good enough? Maybe a situation that left you feeling excluded and wondering how you can fix it? What if I told you that often times situations, other’s behavior towards you, particular outcomes or whatever circumstances may actually have nothing to do with you. 

There’s no other way to say it, but loss is painful. When we think about loss, we most often think of an actual passing, a loss that is identified with the individual or loved one no longer being here on Earth. I’d like to point out, however, that loss comes in many forms and, often times, those losses can feel almost as significant. In fact, you are experiencing a death of some kind; one that must also be grieved.

The way our minds process grief and loss truly is interesting. I recently heard that research studies have shown through brain scans that the loss of a relationship looks the same as an addict who is experiencing withdrawal. When our brains are missing what once was, the brain will release the same chemicals that indicate a “need” for whatever that “thing” is. We miss the familiarity, the comfort, the habits and the routine that the partner, job, drug, etc provided.

In just about a blink it’s going to be 2018. This last month of the year will fly by. But before it does, let’s take a few minutes to brainstorm how to set some good boundaries and make the most of this holiday season.

The first question to think about is, “What’s the priority this season? What is going to take precedence over everything else?” The reality is that life is always going to be throwing things at us, trying to tell us what is more important. And to be real, when I say life, I also mean people. Friends, family, your crazy Aunt Suzie, the “Jones” next door, social media, etc. are all going to try to tell us what to be invested in.

Making the decision to see a therapist can be quite difficult in itself, but for the Christian there may be added concerns about compatibility between worldviews.  There may be questions about whether the therapist will respect your religious beliefs, minimize them, or treat them as part of the problem.  How should a believer go about choosing a therapist, and what factors should be considered?

 I was sitting in an ice cream shop with my kids and husband one Saturday afternoon many months ago and a TV was showing the news in a corner of the shop. A few days prior, a 4 year old boy fell into a gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo, and this was the story on every news channel all weekend long. As we know, he survived the incident, but the gorilla was shot dead to protect the young boy’s life. One of the shop owners was sweeping near the TV and commented to another employee that they "just should have shot the mother instead." My stomach lurched in shock and anger; but, apparently this sentiment had been echoed in comment sections, petitions, and Twitter feeds around the world.  What is it, I wondered, that made people feel that the only logical conclusion to this terrible accident was that she was a bad mother?

Every year from June until November is hurricane season. This year the hurricane season has already been extreme for the Southern states of the United States. It reminds me of one of the first hurricane seasons I ever experienced with my family after only being in Tampa for a couple of years. That year four storms lined up in the Caribbean, one behind the other. They were just lingering and waiting to leave their mark on islands, cities, and people’s lives.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” – C.S. Lewis

 Often times when we think about grief, we think about the loss of a person, specifically a loved one. While this can be true, grief also encompasses many other aspects of life. In processing grief we will consider not only the loss of that person, home, pet, career, business, etc. but also the loss of future dreams, plans, and hopes, and more expansive ramifications of loss. Some of these things you may be aware of and others might be lying just under the surface.

Let me just get it out of the way and say everyone’s favorite word as it relates to God’s plans for their life… UNKNOWNS! Whether you are deciding on a new career, debating a move, have recently lost a loved one or are deciding on a life partner, there are always unknowns in the outcome that will occur.

It’s fair to say that resting in earthly possessions or outcomes will always leave an unsettling feeling. It is through our faith in Christ alone that we will experience a different level of peace, but connecting to this peace can still be uncomfortable!

There is a time for everything, a time to love and a time to hate. A time for peace and a time for war. When we think of the word “war,” we often think about it on a worldwide scale or nation against nation, however there are raging wars within us all every single day. In John Piper’s now infamous sermon entitled “Make War,” he passionately and emphatically declares; “I hear so many Christians, murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addiction, and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! Murmur, murmur, murmur. Why am I this way, Make War!”

Although I’m no longer in school, when the kids go back in August, I like to think that I’m about to start a brand new year too. I’m a big fan of summertime fun, but there is something to be said about new routines, more set schedules, and back to business attitudes that come with the start of a new school year. When I was younger, I remember my mom used to make my brother and I practice having an earlier bedtime about a week or so before school started. Rob and I always found this to be a bummer, because it was our last week of freeeedom, and we wanted to soak up all the playtime we could get. But alas, mom always knows best. If we did not prioritize a good bedtime beforehand, that first week back definitely felt like a drag.

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

The world we live and grow up in surrounds us and shapes us. It influences our choices, our relationships, our careers, our families and where we find ourselves at certain crossroads and decisions we have to make. When we come to those critical junctions, learning more about why we find ourselves where we are can give us the opportunity, as Paul was explaining to the Christians in Rome, to make better, healthier and holier choices.

Many of us are in desperate need of embracing ourselves.  Because we know ourselves so well, we don’t think we measure up and our self-esteem and self-appreciation is low.

Instead of being our own best friend, we become victims of a paralyzing fear.  We’re fearful of our need to always be right, of our drive for power, or our need to manipulate others to get what we want.  And our past mistakes make us fearful about what we might say or do under pressure.  If we treated our friends the way we treat ourselves, putting down strengths and emphasizing mistakes, we wouldn’t have any friends left...