“Why can't my parents just get along?” “Why do I have to switch houses weekly?” “Why do my parents always put me in the middle of their fights?” As a registered mental health counselor intern for children, adolescents and young adults, these are the statements I hear from my clients.

In a podcast I was recently listening to, the guest compared the invention of social media to the invention of fire. Back in the day when fire was discovered, I’m sure folks were totally amazed but also had to learn how to control and contain it. It seemingly had great benefits but without some boundaries it could easily become all consuming and even destructive. Sound about right? As we enter into the summer and possibly have some extra time on our hands, let’s consider some practical ways to manage our social media usage.

As a licensed mental health counselor I am consistently seeking to learn the best ways to help clients through whatever hardship they may be facing. A friend and fellow colleague in the field approached me about attending a training to become certified in an evidenced based approach to counseling and I couldn’t have been more excited! I’d heard about ART for several years, having had worked with the addictions population and also with trauma, and it had always been highly recommended.

You are not enough. That sounds like something I shouldn’t be saying on a counseling blog, right? Working in youth and college ministry, one of the greatest struggles I have seen is people not feeling like they’re good enough. I, myself, feel this at times, and in this age of social media, it can be incredibly easy to scroll through Instagram and compare your life or your body to those on your screen.

Here is some scripture to meditate on for those who struggle to realize how much God loves them. When doing the exercise, have someone read it to you, so you can close your eyes and imagine God speaking to you.

I am continuously inspired by my clients. One frequent theme of inspiration is found when clients process, and struggle with, self worth.

Full disclosure, my own self worth journey has experienced some remarkable highs but also some real gut wrenching, wisdom growing lows. I’ve been the girl trying to find my value and worth in relationships; the girl who desperately wanted to fit in so I sought others endless validation; the girl who thought weight and my appearance would be the solution and make me more desirable; the girl who thought my accomplishments would be what made me more respectable. I’ve been the girl who has put God second, even third, in hopes that the guy, the 5 pounds, the compliment would be the solution to my joy and happiness

Thankfully mental health is becoming less taboo these days. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a lot of confusion about it. For this week’s blog I thought it might be helpful to provide basic information about depression. How is it defined and diagnosed and what are some healthy coping skills for managing it?

Having worked with couples for over 20 years, there has been such joy to be on the front row seat witnessing healing and restoration.  Being used as a vessel for God to show up and work miracles is no short of fulfilling.  Recently, I worked with a couple who had been married 15+ years, finally gotten to the hard-worked-for chapter of retirement, found themselves not enjoying one another during this supposedly “golden” chapter of leisure and relaxation, and now living in two different cities separated and ready to call it quits.  The lawyers were hired, the papers were filled out and awaiting signatures.  One reached out and posed the question, “Are we sure?”

‘Tis the season!  Even though I say this, I am really not sure exactly of the meaning.  I don’t really talk that way any other time of the year either.  I don’t say, “‘Tis the summer,” for example.  Many times, I catch myself just moving through the motions during the holidays, never really thinking about it.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the welcoming warmth of what traditions bring.  I am saying, though, that giving some intentional thought before the main event of the celebration season begins may help as you move through them.

Grief: something I wish no one ever had to deal with.  At the age of 29, I never thought I would have lost two very important people in my life. I look back at how I grieved the loss of my grandmother and now my uncle and at times I would find myself frustrated and angry with God. Frustrated of the unknown. The tests that did not get to happen, the unanswered lab results, and the other unknown questions. Although I know they are both with my heavenly father, I was frustrated that I did not spend as much time with them, that I worked more than taking the time off to visit them. I was angry that I had to live through holidays and big events without them cheering me on or walking through the difficult parts of life with me.

“Somedays, you feel so unloved by the people who are supposed to love you. And your heart hurts. And you feel empty. Like you’re in a wasteland with no life. Right now, it seems that this has been a very lifeless season. People who are supposed to bring joy to your life now bring thoughts of dread as you think of the life being sucked out of you. They never ask if you’re okay. And I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

These are words I wrote down about a year ago. Words that I felt so deeply to my core.

In recent discussion I shared with a friend how, in the last year or two, I’ve encountered more and more clients who cannot answer the questions “who are you?”  and “in what do you find your value and worth?” I’ve come to realize that a history of rejection is linked and found in each individual’s past.

God never intended us to feel rejection, however rejection is truly a perfect tool that the enemy uses to cause us to not only question our identity, but to steer us away from our identity in Christ. God desires for us to know who we truly are and for us to know His love and acceptance for us. If we are not rooted in love, as God has intended, how can we truly experience all that Christ has in store for us?

Something that has been on my mind as of late is the subject of down time. I’m one of those people that tends to jam pack my schedule and try to maximize time, all the time. It makes life fun and busy but also overwhelming at times. Earlier this week, I had an unusual break during the middle of the week. Part of me thought hmm this is a great opportunity to catch up on paperwork or get some good exercise in. But then the other part of me saw the old, spotted bananas on the counter and thought they would be perfect for some banana bread. I decided to whip up some banana bread with my old bananas but then later questioned myself if that was my best decision.

For years I worked with married couples in my practice resulting in personal frustration. They wouldn’t stay for the course and quit before the momentum finally offered them relief, they got better only to see them boomerang back in six months, or there was just too much pain to commit to the process without ensuring a proper payoff. I even considered stopping working with married couples altogether.

As a believer in Christ, I am always pleased when empirical scientific research validates the Christian worldview.  “Empirical” is one of those research words meaning something has been verified or observed.  For this blog we are going to look at the act of forgiveness, particularly, what forgiveness entails, research that was conducted on the subject, and how forgiveness can restore relationships. 

What comes to mind when I mention the words “premarital counseling”? To some, these words may trigger feelings of excitement to grow. For some, feelings of fear and not wanting to confront, and to others, possibly an assumption that something must be wrong with the relationship. These may happen and can be realities, but premarital counseling is not only necessary if you are unsure of marriage but also if you are looking to strengthen your future marriage.

Sometimes a few sessions into therapy, clients will ask questions like, “Will I always feel this way?” “How long until therapy feels like it is really working?” or “Why isn’t my husband or wife getting it yet?” Basically they are soliciting the question, “Is there anyway to make this go faster?” My response is usually something along the lines of, "well yeah, if I had the magic solution, I’d be living on a yacht right now making billions." However, in the instant gratification culture we live in today, it’s not surprising that our clients desire some quick, easy fix.

Have you ever been in a situation that left you feeling like you did something wrong or that nothing you do is good enough? Maybe a situation that left you feeling excluded and wondering how you can fix it? What if I told you that often times situations, other’s behavior towards you, particular outcomes or whatever circumstances may actually have nothing to do with you. 

There’s no other way to say it, but loss is painful. When we think about loss, we most often think of an actual passing, a loss that is identified with the individual or loved one no longer being here on Earth. I’d like to point out, however, that loss comes in many forms and, often times, those losses can feel almost as significant. In fact, you are experiencing a death of some kind; one that must also be grieved.

The way our minds process grief and loss truly is interesting. I recently heard that research studies have shown through brain scans that the loss of a relationship looks the same as an addict who is experiencing withdrawal. When our brains are missing what once was, the brain will release the same chemicals that indicate a “need” for whatever that “thing” is. We miss the familiarity, the comfort, the habits and the routine that the partner, job, drug, etc provided.

In just about a blink it’s going to be 2018. This last month of the year will fly by. But before it does, let’s take a few minutes to brainstorm how to set some good boundaries and make the most of this holiday season.

The first question to think about is, “What’s the priority this season? What is going to take precedence over everything else?” The reality is that life is always going to be throwing things at us, trying to tell us what is more important. And to be real, when I say life, I also mean people. Friends, family, your crazy Aunt Suzie, the “Jones” next door, social media, etc. are all going to try to tell us what to be invested in.